I haven’t forgotten you. . .

Recently my friend Tiffany asked me what the biggest challenges or hurdles in life came when complicated by a chronic illness. I spoke of the frustrations in not being able to set concrete plans; I told her about how hard it was not to have a REAL driver’s license in my purse – a “state ID” isn’t the same. It will get you in a bar or on a plane but not in a car for a trip to the store when you’ve forgotten an ingredient for dinner or just to experience the beauty of an Indiana spring or fall with the windows down and the music up. I told her that I could easily go an entire day with a 6:34 utterance of “I love you, honey.Be careful; have a good day” and not speak another WORD to a human being until Kent comes in around 5:17 PM – “who’s my goo’puppa dog? You’re a goo’girl, yes you are” to my dachshund” or asking Pipsqueak to quit walking on my laptop when I am trying to update my Facebook status, though treasured conversations with my furry girls, just aren’t the same.

The hardest aspect with which I must deal is loneliness. Sometimes that just means wanting to see a friend, feel the embrace of a hug, share a libation and a natter. Other days it means having someone to get me some 7UP when I literally cannot walk to the kitchen after an hour of “shouting groceries” (my favorite new euphemism for vomiting). Even knowing a neighbor or a person is near in case I just need to know SOMEONE is near would be nice, but these days it seems too much to ask.

I had a wonderful day yesterday visiting with two DEAR friends and celebrating my beloved “Special K’s” 36th birthday but today I feel a bit more reticent. I’m not up to taking Facebook quizzes riddled with bad grammar but illuminating results. I’m having a day when I just need a hug – honest , plain and simple.

Forgive me for not being a shiny, happy person today. Today that is a mask I cannot wear.

I am working on a blog entry that could be the most vital, honest and critically important pieces I’ve ever written in my 34 years. I hope it will spark questions, dialogue and discovery. I’ll let you know when it is done. Today I hope you will forgive me for my reticence. Tomorrow is another day. . . and we’ll see what it holds, okay?

I send you much love. . .ellie